In 1985 Steven Spielberg created this fun little film about
a group of kids having a wild adventure. It was campy and lots of fun. When I
was eleven. Now I look back, and I find all kinds of things wrong with it. Some
things that bothered me even when I first saw the film and others which are
more new. This is just for fun and will not contain a detailed plot or
character analysis but will contain spoilers.
The film's premise is that a band of pre-teens who live in
the "Goon Docks" neighborhood of Astoria, Oregon try to save their
homes from demolition. On their last day together they discover an old Spanish
map that leads them on an adventure to unearth the long-lost fortune of
One-Eyed Willie, a legendary 17th-century pirate. Sounds like fun, right? Well it is for
the most part, but some things in this film bother me enough to nudge it into
my “movies I just don’t like” list. This is my opinion of course, feel free to
disagree.
#5. Coming down with asthma
Ok, this is a small one but a small one that always bugged
me. There is a line early in the movie where we establish that our main
character, Mickey played by Sean Astin, has Asthma. We learn this because his
mother cautions him from going outside “if he's coming down with asthma I don't want him out in
the rain”. Asthma is not a cold; you don’t “come down” with it! And by the way,
he must have been diagnosed with it because he is using an inhaler through the
movie (it’s actually a clever device to illustrate the rising tension). Yes,
this is nitpicking but that line always bugged me.
#4. To many crass jokes
I realize this movie was aimed at kids, but seeing a guy get
hit in the crotch is only funny so many times. If I recall correctly, this
happens more than a couple. Maybe it’s just me and my sense of humor, but it
would have been nice to see more than the same joke over and over. We get it,
The Fratelli brothers are dim wits. I mean, there is a scene where one brother slips
on a log and lands on his, well, you know. Then a second later they repeat the
same joke with the other brother. Yeah, it was just so funny the first time. Also,
there is a scene where the kids cause the plumbing in a country club to go
crazy which is also just juvenile humor which I didn’t find funny then and
still don’t today (although I find it amusing the guy on the toilet had his
underwear on, what was he trying to do? Oh right, kids film). And before anyone
says it, I realize that the country club is the reason for the neighborhood
being demolished and it may have been considered some kind of justice, it’s
still dumb and the whole scene is one huge Big Lipped Alligator Moment (do I
have to pay the Nostalgia Chick a royalty now?). There is other stuff which
just didn’t work but I would have to see the movie to remember them. The jokes
were just too crass. Even Chunk talking about how much he threw up got to be a
little too much.
#3. Deleted scenes
At the end of the film Data relates their experiences to
some reporters, and mentions a giant octopus. What giant octopus? Well, the one
that was in the deleted scene of course! I have no problem deleting a scene if
the movie is running long or the scene serves no practical purpose, but wouldn’t
it have made sense to remove that line of dialogue? True, it may not have been
as easy to do that back then but still. While I can see why they deleted that
scene (it is silly), another one they deleted in a store makes no sense to me
since it establishes how the Goonies figure out what the pirate map says. I
always kind of wondered how they knew where they were going. We also meet the bully
and the girls earlier which would have helped the later moment be more
effective (and yes there is a bully it is an 80’s movie after all).
#2.Sloth
Ok, here is where I am going to lose everyone. I can feel
it. I just didn’t like this guy. I remember when I first saw this movie and I
couldn’t decide if I liked him or not. Sure, he is charming in some moments
(this movie a great ad for Baby Ruth candy). Even I smile when he shouts “Hey
you guys!” (By the way, that came from The Electric Company that is what is he
watching when we first see him). Here is
why I don’t like him, because he becomes the hero. I wanted this movie to be
about the kids and their adventure, and for a majority of it that is what I
got. It’s really cool adventure and you really care about what happens to the
kids. Then Sloth comes in to save the day. It just spoiled the movie for me. It
was almost as if someone said “we have to have an adult in here somewhere!” No,
you really didn’t. And the scene where he rips his shirt off like Superman
revealing the logo? Please! We get that moment where he confronts his mother
and realizes all the abuse she inflicted on him. Great moment, for a different
movie. This movie wasn’t supposed to be about him. I won’t go far as to say he
stole the movie, but he spoiled it a little for me.
#1.That corny ending
Ok, as I said the thing that drives this plot is the fact
that the neighborhood is going to be bulldozed. So, how does this get resolved?
Back on the pirate ship the kids stole all kinds of jewels and coins, some of
which made it to the end of the movie in Mickey’s marble bag. The jewels are
more than enough value to save everyone’s homes. Wait, what? Wouldn’t that be
like me paying of a debt by robbing a bank and using that cash to cover the
bill? I know, believe me, that would never work. If the debtor found that
stolen funds were used the payment would be null and void and the people you
stole the money from would be pissed! Now, before people say I am getting
carried away I realize there is no way the dead pirates are going to be mad
(unless they come back like they did in Garfield Halloween Adventure) but
still! The jewels would have to be turned over to the proper authorities, it’s not
there’s! I don’t blame the kids at all for not knowing this but the father sure
as heck should. And you can’t say they can lie because there are reporters
covering this! And by the way, ripping up a contract doesn’t do anything to
cancel it. Also we never even met the people who were buying the neighborhood
so it was real hard to hate them, and what is stopping these families from
moving to another neighborhood all together? This was actually done better,
believe it or not, in that lame Brady Bunch Movie! The ending is just too contrived,
I would have preferred the old “it’s an historic site so you can’t touch it” cliché
over this one. Although the visual of the kids watching the pirate ship float
away is pretty damn cool.
Ok,I am done nitpicking. Now to be fair, I did love things
in this movie. The treasure hunt/adventure is really fun and the scene on the
pirate ship is very well done. Some of the action is great, the music is good
(who doesn’t like Cyndi Lauper?), and the cast is really amazing from Corey Feldman
all the way to Anne Ramsay. The characters were pretty well done including Data
and Chunk who was really funny.
Is this a bad movie?
No, but it was a bit of a disappointment for me anyway.
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