The Worst of Trek-Part 4

Star Trek V-A Review

Let’s talk about the first six movies. It all started in 1979 when Paramount wanted to cash in on the success of a little film called “Star Wars”. They took what was supposed to be the second Star Trek series and turned into a full-fledged motion picture. The good thing about that was they got Leonard Nimoy to be in it. The bad thing was they got a little special effects happy. We didn’t want to see 2001: A Space Odyssey, we wanted to see Star Trek. That meant story, character development, etc. What we got was a long boring mess of pretty pictures which the cast literally spends several minutes just staring at out the view screen. The only one that is ok is when Kirk sees the Enterprise in space dock, and even that goes on a tad too long.

However, Star Trek-The Motion Picture isn’t all bad. If you watch it with a remote so you can fast forward the nonsense, it’s pretty good. Fortunately they smartened up and for Star Trek 2 they brought in Nicholas Meyer and Harve Bennett. These two saved the movies by bringing us what some consider the best Star Trek movie of them all, Star Trek II-The Wrath of Khan. I liked it, except for the ear slugs, but thought the violence was a little too much. Then Star Trek 3 came out, and I never understood why so many people are so hard on this movie. I liked it; it was my favorite until the next one finally came out. The ending still chokes me up a little.

Star Trek IV is and will always be one of my favorite movies of all time. I was lucky enough to see it in a theatre with a crowd of what must have been serious Trek fans. It was light, enjoyable fun. There really isn’t anything about it I can pick on. Star Trek VI was great too. Well done finale to the original series, the movie was well written and the characters weren’t stupid in this one (more on that in a second). I was always a bit sad this was the last regular series movie, but what a great way to go out on.

That leaves one movie I did not mention. This is considered the worst original series movie, and I thought today I would take closer look at why. It’s been awhile since I made myself sit through this train wreck, is it really that bad? So, here is a brief review on the movie called Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.

Everyone blames William Shatner for the atrocity, and it’s true he deserves some blame but not all of it. The biggest mistake of this movie was trying to inject humor into it. Humor worked in Star Trek IV because that movie was, in essence, a fish out of water story so the jokes work like the exact change gag for example. Here, the jokes are lame and it makes the characters look like idiots. However, the biggest problem is the story which is just, well, silly.

The movie opens with a strange man meeting a vagrant in the desert. After some boring dialogue we see the strange man isn’t a man, but a Vulcan. He laughs a big laugh, probably at the audience, and we fade to the opening credits. Wow what an exciting opening (not!). We then fade to a scene in Yosemite Park, where Kirk is climbing a huge mountain. More thrills as we see Kirk climbing. Then Spock appears in anti-grav boots and makes Kirk fall, of course Spock catches him just before he hits the ground.

Ok, we cut to a dessert city which looks they were trying to rip off the bar in Star Wars (and badly too). It is here we meet our main protagonist, named Sybok. He leads a rebellion which kidnaps a trio of ambassadors who were on this planet discussing the future of it because apparently the Klingons, Romulans, and Federation all agreed to share the planet. Gee, what could go wrong there? So the ambassadors are taken hostage in a scene which is oddly dull, and we cut to stock footage. First we see the space station from the 3^rd movie followed by the reveal of the Enterprise from the 4^th. Way to save money guys.

On the ship we establish that the Enterprise is basically in pieces. After Scotty and Uhura share an affectionate moment, a red alert comes over. Of course, the Enterprise is the only ship in the area that can respond. Never mind the ship is barely functional, and why is that always the excuse in these movies? Where are the other vessels’s anyway? It was the excuse in the 1^st movie and Nemesis. I realize the ambassadors’ being taken hostage is serious and they want the best and brightest, but the ship isn’t working! I hope you find that concept funny by the way, because they beat this gag into the ground.

Anyway, Uhura starts rounding up the crew. What do we get next, an exciting scene of the crew returning? No, we get silliness. We find Sulu and Chekov lost in the woods, and when Uhura calls down they pretend they are stuck in a storm. Of course it takes Uhura a half a second to figure out there is no weather where they are. Boy was that funny, turning Sulu and Chekov into morons. Then we get a campfire scene where Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are talking about life and stuff. Now don’t get me wrong I love these characters as much as anyone, but in the series the conversations came out of the situations they were in. I don’t remember an episode where we saw the three just sitting around the lounge waxing philosophical for no reason. This scene almost hurts (and isn’t there an emergency or something going on?)

Wake me when something interesting happens! After all this we’re almost a half hour in and so far our heroes have done nothing. We get a scene with a Klingon vessel, and on board is Captain Klaa who decides to go after Kirk because he’s got nothing else to do. Then we cut to a scene of Uhura coming for Kirk and co. in a shuttle. In case you’re wondering, the transporters are offline for almost the whole movie necessitating the use of the shuttle. Why didn’t she contact him by communicator? It seems our good captain forgot to take his. I am trying to decide if that was meant to be funny. Uhura fills the guys in on the situation, and it seems like the movie is finally going to get moving.

Nope, we get a shot of the crew returning to the ship which involves more talking. Then after we watch the shuttle land in the docking bay, they board the turbo-lift which for some reason looks like a fancy elevator in a hotel. It even makes a “ding” sound. They arrive on the Bridge, where we continue the contrivance that things on the ship don’t work. This is supposed to be funny, but it isn’t. Then we see a little scene which I hadn’t noticed until the DVD commentary where Kirk gives his coat to a yeoman or something, and she has no idea what to do with it. In the commentary Shatner admits the joke didn’t work, the bit looks like an outtake they left in, and for those trivia buffs the young lady is one of Shatner’s daughters.

Anyway, at long last we get the plot going when an admiral comes on the screen. This admiral is played by Harve Bennett, who wrote Star Trek II and is not an actor, and boy, can you tell. Even though there are other ships in the fleet, the admiral insists on Kirk. I don’t understand it either. Kirk has no choice, and tells Sulu to set course for the planet. Kirk whines he misses his old chair, and Spock makes an odd face. Why does Spock not get one line in this scene? In the series this would have been a five minute discussion between Kirk and he about the situation. Instead Kirk talks to McCoy which is kind of cute but Spock just sits there. I get the feeling Shatner decided this was going to be Kirk’s scene and left Leonard out of it almost entirely. So Spock just sits there like a dope. Is every character in this movie out of character at some point? Oh wait, I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff.

Ok, let’s move on and get this over with. After a brief return to the Klingons we go back to the Enterprise where the hilarious malfunctions are preventing Kirk from even making a log entry. Then we get some back-story about the situation. Spock wakes up and helps clarify the identity of the hostages including the mysterious Vulcan in charge. Then do we get an exciting scene of the ship racing in and doing some damage? No, we cut to a lounge where the Vulcan is pouting. It seems clear he is hiding something, but he doesn’t want to ruin the reveal later so keeps quiet.

The Enterprise arrives at the planet and Kirk has to use the shuttle to rescue the hostages because the transporters still don’t work. While Chekov distracts Sybock, Kirk and crew take a shuttle at night to lead a rescue mission out. They need to sneak into the city and require another distraction. They decide that Uhura doing a naked dance is the way to go. I can see why Nichelle Nichols may have liked doing this, but the scene itself is silly.

Cut to Kirk and co on horses (who directed this again?) charging into the city. Long story short, they get caught and the rescue is screwed up as a fight ensues. Kirk and Spock find the hostages, but they are on Sybok’s side. Captured, Kirk and Spock finally meet Sybok. Sybok is happy to see Spock but all Spock cam do is place Sybock under arrest. One of the few actual cute scenes. We then find out the motivation for this was that Sybok needed a starship. Sybok also offers Spock a chance to help him which Spock refuses.

As the shuttle heads for the Enterprise, the Klingons appear. Sybok isn’t about to let that stop him so they continue heading for the ship. In order to get the shuttle in before the Klingons can attack; Sulu floors it and basically rams the thing into the shuttle bay. They make it, and the Enterprise races off before the Klingons can strike. Thanks goodness, there was almost excitement!

Another struggle ensues and Spock ends up with a weapon facing Sybok. However, Spock refuses to fire the weapon. Sybok then takes the weapon and has Kirk and co locked up while he keeps Uhura and Sulu because they can be useful. In the cell we find out that Sybok is a half-brother to Spock, which is why Spock is so torn between his loyalties. Now this scene could have been a powerful one, but instead it is played for a laugh which is wrong. And as for the continuity breach that’s caused by making Sybok Spock’s half-brother, I ain’t going near that. Let’s just say it’s a big one. By the way, this scene is McCoy’s turn to be oddly quiet.

I could spend all day on this scene so let’s move on. Back on the Bridge Sulu and Uhura have been converted to Sybok’s cause which isn’t fully explained. Its ok, the crew hasn’t acted right this whole movie why stop now? After more pointless dialogue in the brig, Sybok tries to explain the plot on the Bridge. Let’s just put it this way, he knows the planet were God lives and needs a ship to get there because it’s through the great barrier in the center of the galaxy. That’s it in a nutshell.

Scotty manages to get them out of the brig. Then the biggest “not funny” scene in the movie happens. Scotty directs the others down a hallway and turns another direction, only to slam into a beam and knock himself flat on his, well, you know. You ready for this rant? How could this ever happen? Scotty would never do something this stupid. Aside from that, it isn’t funny not to mention totally out of place in this movie. Yeah, we had some jokes in the movie but at what point did we have slapstick? The jokes in this movie just do not work, and this is a great example.

An alert sounds and we see some troops running through a hallway from Next Generation’s Enterprise. Anyway, Kirk and McCoy start climbing a ladder of a Jeffries tube when Spock magically appears with anti-grav boots and flies them up. Watch this scene for the inconsistencies of the floors they fly by. Did they pay attention at all? Kirk, Spock, McCoy send out a distress call which gets intercepted by the Klingons. Sybok then finds them, and they begin a long, boring dialogue. At this point why does that surprise me, in a movie where a flight up a turbo shaft is considered one of the more exciting moments?

The scene could take a long time to describe so I will try to break it down as simply as possible. Sybok doesn’t control minds he frees them up by allowing people to face their pains and inner demons and draw strength from it. McCoy asks how, and Sybok demonstrates. In a flashback we see McCoy pulled the plug on his dying father, not long before a cure was found. Sybok implores him to release his pain. The acting was fine, but the whole thing just seems, I don’t know, pointless. Apparently all you need to do is reveal some old trauma then hug it out. Wow, why are there psychologists then? He then moves on to Spock. In yet another flashback we see how disappointed Sarek was that Spock was born half-human. Ok, since when was Sarek ever upset about that? He and Spock fought over his choice of vocation. Also he had a human wife, what was he expecting?

Then he moves to Kirk, but Kirk refuses to participate. I have to say, I love the quote in this scene. Kirk says: "You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with the wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us--the things that make us who we are. I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain." I like this quote, not that it saves this scene or the movie for that matter. I just don’t understand why we needed these deep character revelations on characters we have known and loved for years.

The whole scene is broken up when the ship reaches the barrier. Even though no ships have ever survived, the Enterprise does. They make it through the cheesy special effects storm, which is very dull by the way it makes you miss the old TV show, and they reach the blue planet. The crew discover an unknown energy source, as Kirk, Spock, and McCoy join the rest of them without explanation. Kirk decides that they may as well investigate and orders a landing party.

As a shuttle flies over the landscape (yes, the shuttle again!) we get a view of a purple tinted dessert. The shuttle lands and the crew disembark into a landscape which doesn’t quite match what we saw as they were flying over. On the ship the crew is so mesmerized no one notices the Klingon’s are approaching. Man this scene is slow. Ok, let’s speed this boring stuff up. They finally find this alien being, who proclaims he is God and needs a ship to get off the planet. Kirk asks the classic and reasonable question, “Why would God need a ship?” Long story short, it’s not God just an alien which starts to attack them.  The original sequence was apparently so horrible, they settled on the God creature shooting at them. It should be pointed out this scene was supposed to be different, but Shatner got handcuffed by the special effects department.

Basically, Sybok figures out everything he believed in was wrong and all for nothing. He sacrifices himself by jumping at the God alien whatever it is. Then the Enterprise fires a photon torpedo which destroys the area. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy survive the blast in a really bad special effects shot of them diving for cover. They then race back to the shuttle but it can’t lift off. Kirk calls Scotty who has the transporter working, well only two of them. Isn’t that always the way? Spock and McCoy are beamed up but Kirk is stuck on the planet with energy beams and explosions. Also, The Klingons are closing in, though no on one the Bridge seems to notice. The Klingons attack before they can beam Kirk up, creating a space battle that this movie really didn’t need. The Klingon captain announces he just wants Kirk, but Spock informs him that the good captain is still on the planet. Spock goes to the Klingon ambassador to assist, and gives a great line. “Damn you, sir, you will try!”

 As the Klingon vessel closes in on the Enterprise, we see Kirk on the now red planet climbing another rock ledge (symbolism? Nah) with the alien attacking, suddenly, the Klingon ship appears and fires on the alien. Kirk is then beamed up and on the Bridge Kirk gets an apology from the Klingon for wasting everyone’s time with this pointless plot thread. Just kidding, he apologizes for acting without orders. Then we see that Spock was the gunner on the Klingon Bridge. What??

The movie finally ends with a scene in the lounge of the Klingons and humans having a few good laughs. I guess even they couldn’t believe the movie they’d just made. They take one more opportunity to make Sulu and Chekov look like morons while Scotty drinks with a Klingon. Kirk and Spock exchange some kind words about how God is in your heart, and we cut to…..another campfire scene with them singing row row row your boat???

Oh please end! Wait, that’s it. Thank goodness. Anyway, as I said in the start the real question is how bad was this movie really? The truth is I could forgive the lame jokes, weak story and hammy special effects (isn’t that we got in the series?) What really ruins this movie is the way they screw over all the characters. They just come off like idiots, and even Spock and McCoy have their awkward moments. Also, it was boring. Not only do we not care about the story, there’s hardly any cool action. All of these problems I am happy to say they fixed in the 6^th movie.

No it wasn’t all Shatner’s fault. It wasn’t his fault they did not have a budget, or there was a writer’s strike, or the studio insisted they include stupid jokes. Basically what it comes down to is that there is no message in this movie and it isn’t any fun to watch. Simple as that.

Whew, glad that one’s over. I’ve been putting this off but don’t think I can anymore. Next time I will dive into the Next Generation movie. Oh, the pain!